Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Ape together strong
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.