Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?