@schumoo

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

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@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@EZ_G

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

@Lola_Areola

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

@bridger_w

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

@HomeProbably

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@AmishSuperModel

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

@YuckyTom

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

@ericsshadow

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.