*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.