Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.