avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”