I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?