(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Can Happiness buy money?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.