(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”


Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.


I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”


A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.


Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?


I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you


*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?


My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?