Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Unimpressed
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
looks legit
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Cardio Made Easy
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window