Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???