AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY