Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.