Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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Yup
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Interior design 👌
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.