Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.