Awesome parenting 😂
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.