awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night