[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else