“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
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[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you