Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
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On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car