Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.