Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!