Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid