Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is literally a CIA plant

don’t be scared

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Happy Taco Tuesday

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Imma just leave this here…………

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.