Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry