“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Selfie
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
He just like my cat fr
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u