Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
he looks great for his age
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Weirdly Wednesday.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go