AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”