Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MariyaAlexander

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

@jus4golf

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

@i_wasnt_looking

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

@SwirlySkittles

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

@AmericanGent69

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

@CrackedIllusion

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

@kimtopher22

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

@jonnysun

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took