Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Cha-ching is my safe word
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”