Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
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I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
huge if true: the moon
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Was it something I said?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My last name is Zilla.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …