Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.