Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
BETRAYAL
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work