Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this


Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.


Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.


You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac


A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller


Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.


[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal