Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal