Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.