Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
You Might Also Like
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?