babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt