Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.