Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.