Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Spider-cat: No One Home