-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Okay me first
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.