Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

😂🐾

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.