babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.