babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
wtf is an acronym