babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Hello Twits.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath