babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
*mops up wine with cat*
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday