Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough