Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.