Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime