Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
A leaf blower, but for people.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?