Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.