[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel