@_ice_cream_j

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

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@johnfreiler

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

@david8hughes

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

@InternetHippo

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

@notmythirdrodeo

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

@bourgeoisalien

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

@Jenny4ashley

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.