
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.