Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
God has abandoned us.
