Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
bury ourselves
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating