Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Twitter remains undefeated
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.