@Cornjerker78

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

You Might Also Like

@kimmie_1980

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

@TheAlexP

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

@iwearaonesie

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

@Pundamentalism

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

@HushJared

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

@DurtMcHurtt

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

@fro_vo

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes