@Schroofles

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

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@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@TheWifeYouLove

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

@JoParkerBear

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@robdelaney

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@LFdiepretty

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

@duhh3322

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.