Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
You Might Also Like
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.