BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”