BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…