BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.