Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Just say no
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill